After 60 years of intensive study, researchers at the Centre for Strategic Military Studies have finally determined how Germany lost World War 2.

GO THE BLONDES

Two Irish engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walked by and asks what they are doing.
Paddy said: "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder"

The blonde took a spanner from her handbag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.
She then pulled a tape measure from her pocket, took a few measurements and announced that
it was eighteen feet and six inches.

She then walked off.

Mick said: "Ain't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length".

Father Son Relations

A boy walks in to his parents bedroom to find his Dad giving his Mum one.
The Dad laughs throws a pillow at his son and tells him to get out.

Hours later the Dad hears a commotion coming from his son's bedroom. He enters the bedroom to find his son giving his Grandmother one.

The Dad looks horrified.

'Not so funny when it's your Mum is it?' says the son.

Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so HE gets the pleasure.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now just The Islands.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

Chuck Norris was sending an email one day, when he realized that it would be faster to run.

Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.

When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.

Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.

Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses.

Chuck Norris once survived a suicide bombing. He was the bomber.

Chuck Norris has to sort his laundry into three loads: darks, whites, and bloodstains.

If at first you don't succeed, you are obviously not Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris thought up some of the funniest Chuck Norris facts ever, but he hasn't submitted them to the site because he doesn't believe in any form of submission.

Health & Wellbeing

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good !

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, WHAT A RIDE !!!"

HolyDays
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as their plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shirts, shorts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!

Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different-coloured bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady."

"Yes, Father?"

"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"

She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen, from the Convent."

When Girls Don't Put Out
This was written by a guy... it's pretty damn smart.

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.

I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "Idon't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..." You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough forme to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just loveme for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spendtime with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at abig, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, " WHAT?"
I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

Menopause Jewellery
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big fuckin' red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

	The Koala & The Little Lizard A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says  “Hey Koala!  What are you doing?”
		The koala says: “Smoking a joint, come up and have some.” So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints... After a while the little lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’ and is going to get a drink from the river.
But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.... A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: “What’s the matter with you?” ... The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink...
	The crocodile says he has to check this out for himself and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says: “Hey you!” So the koala looks down at him and says:
"Faaaaarrrrk dude....... how much water did you drink?!!”

A Bloke Walks Into A Bar.......... A pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood
inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this Spectacle, Each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd
murmured their approval. The man then stood up on the bar, and dropped his trousers, then placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the Alligator hard on the top of it's head. The gator then opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and
made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.' A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A Blonde woman timidly spoke up..........
'I'll try it - just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring. That night a few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is totally amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his mates. He staggers into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.

Amazingly, it also works on him!

The next morning the husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog’s testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were or what we did ...old mate?”

"But, by God, We got first and second place."

The teacher gave her fifth grade class  an assignment... Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made  a mess."  
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched.""That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the fuck away from  Aunt Karen when she's been  drinking"